Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!

I have found myself shaking my head far too many times this year and there are five things I do not have time for…

1.Keyboard Crusaders

If your past time is still cruising through other people’s social media accounts inciting hate and pulling others down, then you really need to go on an early retirement.  It amazes me how ‘deep’ people can get when you leave them unsupervised with a flickering screen and a comments section. So, since you have been gifted with the itch to write and type, why not use your writing skills to something far more rewarding and productive?

1. Write a free PDF about the gutsy guide to being a keyboard dummy.
2. Produce, edit and upload a video that you think is far better than the content creator’s work that you devoured for a couple of  ‘Likes’ and ‘Retweets’.
3. Go on a glorified imaginative adventure and write a story…just do summink!

Look, I know that we are living in the last days, but there are still people that are out there using their platforms to spread the love of Jesus Christ, inspire others to maximise their potential, enjoy their disposable incomes and turn their post natal booties from 0 to 100 and all you want to do is play ‘Hate, Cuss and Drag’? Puhleese, repentance is free and if that is way too much to ask of you, then kindly Google yourself several Pius seats and a time waster medal whilst you’re at it.

2.Negative Energy

If people have to anoint themselves with olive oil, holy water and pray to God for divine protection before they come around you, maybe it’s time for you to check yourself.  You no longer have a right to own the name Moody Mindy or Haterade Harry. God has deposited enough people into your life that are always available to shower you with His unconditional love. However, you have decided to not actively heed the Word of God or make any effort to change and you have decided that you will be a source of negative energy.

If you happen to be that person that constantly feels like your faith, hope and dreams are constantly being zapped, popped and obliterated by such negative people that you call your friends, maybe it’s time that you lift your hands up and wave them goodbye. I used to be that person that would give negative energy carriers a pass, but now I’ve decided to expel them. Why? I found that I was spending too much time during my morning and evening devotionals with God, lamenting, moaning and complaining about my so called friend’s lack of support and negativity.

Please consider this last point in the nicest possible way: You should always leave your friends feeling inspired, empowered and challenged to be the best person God designed you to be, however, if you always feel like you just made it on to Satan’s ‘I gotcha real good’ list and you feel like a big piece of poo-poo, please think carefully about your friendship.

3.Users

I’m going to keep this one short, nice and sweet. Please do not abuse your friend’s loyalty, patience and kindness by repaying him or her with evil. Yes, I said it. If the reward that you want to grant them for their faithfulness to you during your hard times is to collude with their enemies to plan their downfall and down play their achievements, then you are a user.

4.Bad Customer Service

They are paying you to represent their business, yet it’s a struggle to crack a smile, give eye contact or engage in small talk. I have a couple of tips to bless you with before you embark on another mission of ‘Destroy Another Customers Day‘.

1. Please show up and actively participate in your customer service training session. Companies spend thousands and even millions into training their employees. Your ability to handle objections, complaints and other problems in a professional manner can be achieved by simply showing up and being present.
2. Watch a video that will teach you about the art of small talk, using your listening skills and learning how to use your initiative.
3. Read about the power of your posture, such as your body language and how you can effectively use it to communicate with your customers. Please note that this does not include grunting, kissing your teeth or rolling your eyes.
4. And, finally, whilst you wander off to the back room to take a lil break to gossip about your customers, somebody is on their knees praying for your position and your pay cheque.

5.Bumpalicious Weaves And Roadkill

The weave, braids and wig game has gone to a whole new level! Gone are the days when you could just get a way with glued tracks and suspicious bundles from your local beauty supply store or overly tight hairlines AKA bootleg face lifts. Thanks to social media sites such as YouTube, Instagram, Pinterest and many others, customers will no longer tolerate signing premature death certificates for their hairline. It is no longer acceptable to allow customers to wander the earth with badly braided weaves that look more like a camels hump. Far too many customers have been left disillusioned by stylists that think it is ok NOT to braid their hair FLAT against their scalp but to give them the hump of life.

We will no longer tolerate sacrificing 5 or 6 hours seated on poorly designed chairs that strain our necks when getting our hair braided or watch ratchet programmes whilst our bums go from being circled in a ring of fire to completely and utterly numb!

We did not bribe our kids to behave for just another three, four or five more hours (you said my hair would be done in an hour) with junk food to behave themselves in your salons or your homes to leave several hours later, patting our itchy heads as if we have a problem. And, even worse, our precious coins were not passed over to you to witness the long and lingering death of our self-pride. Yes, I said it.

We are subjected to the slow and shameful death of our self-pride when we fall victim to that lonely strand of hair which I call ‘Roadkill‘ because for some strange reason we never seem to lose that precious braid of hair in the safe confines of our home, but outside on tarmac, concrete or finely shaved grass. Yes, my sisters and brothers, that track of hair, cornrow, Senegalese twist or even an entire ponytail (that our stylists installed incorrectly) left in a shameful position on the pavement, inside the shopping mall or by the ATM kiosk for the world to see.

Thanks for stopping by and please don’t forget to like, follow or share and as always leave a comment! Please share anything you ain’t got time for… keep it sweet and saintly😊

Is Social Media Destroying Your Relationship?

According to *The Muse Matters Daily, countless souls have been infected by the Socialhusbanditis infection that is sweeping its way through our digital society. It has been reported that 7 out of 10 women have admitted falling victim to this vicious infection that is destroying relationships and hindering many women from meeting great men. Health officials have blamed the outbreak on the increasing popularity of filtered images and excellent lighting.

One woman who did not want to be named said that she was currently undergoing treatment after suffering from Socialhusbanditis for 72 hours.

She said ‘I wanted my future spouse to have a certain physique, look, hair type and bank account. He had to have all the vital stats that would make us a winning couple and one day be awarded the coveted, Couple Goals hashtag’.

The woman in her early twenties went on to say that she was turning so many men away that did not act or look like a well known social media star. She said ‘One guy that I met was really sweet, he was kind, loyal and a great prayer warrior, but he hated chia seeds, Acai bowls and lacked spontaneity and aerial prowess. He didn’t understand why I needed him to be available at my beck and call to produce my Lookbooks and take panoramic shots‘

Have you fallen victim to Social-husband-itis?

The main common symptoms are:

• Always needing to compare your husband, fiance or boyfriend with other men.
• Unrealistic expectations of loved one’s appearance and income bracket.
• Constantly rejecting potential suitors that do not look or act like a Social media icon.
• Demanding that your husband, fiance or boyfriend take staged photographs together.

How can you treat Socialhusbanditis?

• Consider going on a social media fast.
• Turn off ALL notifications linked to his social media accounts.
• Renounce your allegiance to the ‘He’s not my bae but I want my bae to be exactly like him’ society.
• Throw away or delete your ‘Bae-list’, ‘Husband-to-be list’ or your ‘I claim a husband that looks like them [Insert their names here]’ list.
• Meditate day, noon and night on 1 Samuel 16:7 – But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

*Fake News 🙂

Media Source: Giphy.com

What do you think can be done to stop the spread of socialhusbanditis? Do you think that social media has helped us to build healthy relationships or given us unhealthy and unrealistic expectations? I would love to read your comments. Please don’t forget to like, follow or share 🙂

 

 

35 Ways to Spring Clean Your Career

It’s that time of year to re-evaluate your goals, declutter your CV and give your career a thorough makeover.

1. Delete unnecessary buzzwords and jargon from your CV or Resume.
2. Give your CV a Style Makeover. Check out Guru and Shortlist for ideas.
3. Rebrand your social media profiles.
4. Showcase your communication and presentation skills with a Video CV.
5. Update your CV to reflect new skill levels and qualifications.
6. Upload a new profile picture (business attire or professional).
7. Use Grammarly or Ginger to proofread your CV, Resume and cover letters.
8. Enrol onto an E-learning or vocational course.
9. Read books related to your field of work to boost your brain power.
10. Avoid speed networking. Strategically build a network of new contacts.
11. Volunteer.
12. Spring clean your work attire.
13. Join a mentorship programme.
14. Enquire about work shadow opportunities.
15. Arrange a face to face appointment with a recruitment consultant.
16. Attend a University Alumni event linked to your career.
17. Enquire about organic growth programmes at work.
18. Install a ‘common interviewing questions’ app onto your phone.
19. Learn a new language to improve your career opportunities. Try out Duolingo.
20. Practice your ‘small talk’ skills to win over potential employers.
21. Create a Linkedin headline that promotes, markets and showcases your expertise.
22. Research your target audience and develop content that caters to their needs.
23. Consider setting up a personal website to showcase your skills and portfolio.
24. Create a visually attractive portfolio to showcase your achievements.
25. Re-evaluate your short, mid and long-term career goals.
26. Use a Gantt chart to analyse, manage and keep track of your job search.
27. Identify a target company’s key problems and devise effective solutions.
28. Research your target company’s core beliefs and values.
29. Use GoogleAdwords to boost your online presence.
30. Read my post – How to save your career from the chopping board.
31. Delete Inactive social media accounts.
32. Delete unnecessary selfies and provocative photographs from your social media.
33. Set up a career-focused blog to improve your SEO presence.
34. Practice your 30-second elevator pitch. – Read Entrepreneur’s 6 tips here.
35. Take a break 🙂

 GIF Credit: Source by salmianna.tumblr.com/ (Taken from http://www.giphy.com)

Do you have any other tips to share? Please don’t forget to like, leave a comment, follow and share 🙂

14 Things To Avoid On Valentine’s Day

If you’re single and waiting on God for your future spouse, please try your very best to avoid the following on Valentine’s day…

 

1.Social Media Hookups

He fell in love with your filtered image.

You fell in love with his.

A man that can only stimulate you with DM’s (Direct Messages) written in textese may not have the attributes needed to stimulate your spirit, purpose, and destiny. Think twice about feeding your loneliness on Valentine’s day with a blue lit screen and his messages flashing in your face.

According to Dr. David Stoop,’One of the hormones released under the stress of loneliness is epinephrine, which tends to arouse us.  But it also increases our experience of frustration and emotional pain’.

2. Netflix and Chill

He invites you over to his place to watch ‘The Passion of Christ’ on Netflix and of course, to chill. You don’t need to take an e-course in semantics to understand his intentions.

Kindly turn him down and tell him to chill out with his boxsets of RomCom’s ALONE. There is no need to sacrifice the sanctity of your nether regions for a cheap date and a box of Poundland chocolates.

3. Plastic Roses

I remember being a naive teenager and gushing over the bunch of plastic, yes, plastic roses that were handed to me as a gift. I’ll never forget that foul, plasticky smell, the remnants of the sticky yellow price tag and the fact that the petals were a constant reminder of how fake our relationship was.

4.Woe is me

This is not the time for you to spend your evening with a box of Kleenex tissues and a playlist of sad  R&B love songs.  Singleness is not a death sentence.

In the book of Proverbs 4:23, we are called to ‘guard our heart’, ‘…for out of it spring the issues of life’.

Wallowing in self-pity will only give room for the enemy to sow seeds of rejection, depression, and sorrow into your heart.

5. Desperados

I have no idea why you haven’t blocked his number from your phone.

He only calls you when his social media feed is lacking a pretty face.

Please ponder on the quotation that says ‘Never underestimate desperate people. You never know how far they will go to get what they want’.

After you have toasted him with your presence for a couple of hours, you will not even see his shadow on February 15th.

6. Life Imitating Art

As much as you admire Mary Jane Paul’s (Being MaryJane) work ethic and ‘hustle’, do not deceive yourself into thinking that engaging in questionable relationships with fine men will end in such a glossy way.

We do not have the luxury of pressing a delete or deactivate button when our souls become entangled with the wrong men. When the cameras in your fantasies stop rolling, the reality of your mistakes may haunt you for a long time.

7. Social Media Prowl

You blame your bouts of loneliness for causing you to stalk scroll through the pictures of an ex-boyfriend.

Yes, he looks like a fine dollop of chocolate cream with his new beard, but that type of bait is what Satan uses to lure your soul into his trap.

Cast that temptation to be an undercover detective into the ‘sea of forgetfulness’ and pull away from your phone.

This may be a great opportunity to fill your spirit with empowering scriptures and to engage in a social media fast.

8. Wear Red

It’s probably not a good idea to be tottering down the high street in six-inch heels and a red slinky dress, waving a placard that says ‘Single, open for business and looking for a hubby’. God doesn’t need you to beg and plead for a man’s attention to get a divine hook up.

9. Blind Dates

I was in my early twenties.

I was superficial, foolish and hormonal.

We spent hours on the phone, planning our Valentines day meetup.

He told me that he was the slightly shorter version of Morris Chestnut.

To cut a long story short, our relationship ended an hour later at approximately 10.30pm.

And, no, he was not a doppelganger of Morris Chestnut.

10. Give up on God

The prophet at church with the sweaty palms told you that you would meet your future husband in fourteen days.

And, yes, this meet up that you have always envisioned was based on the condition that you gave him a ‘love offering’ of fifty pounds.

Welp, that was a couple of years ago and the mysterious man and the prophet are nowhere to be seen.

This is not the time for you to give up on God and abandon your faith.

God has ordained the time and the place when you will meet your husband-to-be.

I can assure you, he doesn’t need a false prophecy or the last three digits of your debit card to send you a spouse.

11.Social Status

Don’t lie and change your relationship status to ‘in a relationship’ on Valentine’s day when everyone knows very well you are a single pringle.

It’s better to be sanctified and single than to be hooked up with one of Hells Angels and end up hopeless!

12. Chocolate

I understand how alluring those sweet, heart-shaped pieces of chocolate are. However, filling the hole in your heart with a box of chocolates should be avoided at all costs.

The oxytocin hormone that is released when you eat ‘comforting food’ only lasts for a while and in the morning, your bloated stomach and toilet bowl will not be filled with love hearts.  

13. Angels of Light

You know that tall, fine, handsome brother with the crisp TM Lewin Shirt and the Prada shoes? Yeah him.Stay away from him!

Your obsession with finding a husband for Valentine’s day will cause you to mistake a disappointment as an appointment from God.  If you are in possession of his missing rib, HE WILL FIND YOU. Meditate on 1John 2:15-17 ‘For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world’.

14.Pillow Talk

There are only two voices your pillow should hear as a single woman:

1. The voice of God
2. The voice of your mother, warning you to keep your legs clamped before you say ‘I do’

When the clock strikes 9’oclock, that is not the time to engage in conversations that involve your reproductive organs, G-spots on your body and testosterone! Have a selah moment with Mark 14:38 – ‘Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak’ (NKJV).

References 

Dr. David Stoop, ‘The Brain of a Lonely Person’, http://drstoop.com/the-brain-of-a-lonely-person/

Gif – http://giphy.com/gifs/newyorkcomiccon-no-shade-l3vRogb0QxBlyo4Pm

If you still love me for posting this blog, please comment down below! What other things should Singles avoid on Valentine’s day? Don’t forget to like, follow and share with others. If not, I still love yah! 🙂

 

 

How To Save Your Career From The Chopping Board

Do you remember that feeling you had when you got your job offer letter? Nobody could contain the immense joy you felt to know that your days of cheap baked beans and toast were over!

However, for many people, the prospects of securing a lucrative job offer are being hampered by their social media profiles. According to CareerBuilder ‘Sixty percent of employers use social networking sites to research job candidates’. Is your social media profile going to propel your career to the next level or is it the reason why your career is on the chopping board? Please grab yourself a cuppa, and by all means, consider the points below to salvage your future career.

1.Strike A Pose

Over 40% of employers researched by CareerBuilder revealed that potential candidates were being turned down due to the inappropriate images uploaded to their social media accounts. Are your photographs provocative or professional? Does your online album require an X-rated warning?

2.Likes Versus Love

Your latest pub crawl may have accumulated a large number of ego-stroking ‘likes’ from friends and family, but images of potential employees in compromising positions with alcohol and drugs is not going to win you any love hearts from potential employers.

3.To Tweet or not to Tweet?

Back in the day, somewhere between my old collection of Anastasia Kprupnik and Rosa Guy books was my mattered diary (journal to my American friends). That was the book that I would vent out my frustrations, fears, and anxieties. Now, we have social media. Think twice about using your social media account as a public diary. Your future employer is just a click away. Is your online rant worth more than your future career?

4.Check your Twitter Archive

We live in an age of online cyber gangs that I refer to as the heartless ‘Dig Deep Trolls'(DDT). The DDT have an unhealthy obsession with monitoring the tweets you posted years back. Puhleese, don’t play into their hands and allow them to strike gold! Your long winded trail of ‘Explicit Rants Of The Day’ are the type of dirt they have been waiting to unearth to place your career on the chopping board.

Remember that silly, childish beef that you had with thingamajig, the one that got on your last nerve? You’ve probably forgotten about that, but such comments for public consumption do not sit well with employers. Check out TweetEraser.com or Twitterdeleter.com to delete questionable tweets.

5.The Power Of Prayer

Instead of shooting online critics, haters or trolls with 140-characters or uploading a full on heated video about your previous employer, why not go to your Heavenly Father in prayer? The book of Matthew Chapter 11 verses 28 to 30 reminds us to cast our cares to Yeshua. Share with Him all of your heavy burdens, yes, rants included and He will give you the type of peace that goes beyond human understanding.

6.Delete Old Social Media Accounts

Delete those old, ‘I’ve been MIA for years’ Social media accounts that can only be associated with the ‘old’ you. Do you still have that Myspace page with the naff, neon green and blue twinkling stars as your background? Well, delete it! Show employers that you are no longer the person you were at 18 with the gun-toting paraphernalia that made you feel like you were the baddest rude bwoy or rude gyal. The ‘Ten years later you’ has matured, acquired an ample amount of wisdom, qualifications, transferable skills, direction, and self-respect.

7.Learn Social Media Etiquette

Before Employers even see your face, they will see your name. The bible says that a good name is better than silver and gold (Proverbs 22:1) So, living a life that is honorable online and offline is invaluable. Are you communicating with potential employers effectively? Are you addressing people with expletives or inappropriate language?

Your name is your identity and can either hinder your promotion or help it. If the only key-words that can be used to research your profile involve ‘troll’, ‘hate’ and ‘negative’ then you really need to rethink the way that you communicate your thoughts online. So, do not by any means apologise to your boss at your disciplinary hearing and then go on Snapchat to post a rant to your long list of followers, one of which may be your boss operating under a kinky pseudonym!

Do you have any other tips to share? Please don’t forget to like, follow and share 🙂

References

GIF – https://giphy.com/gifs/the-blues-brothers-james-brown-reverend-cleophus-kZnEoIhlXg6cM

CAREER BUILDER STATISTICS – http://www.careerbuilder.co.uk/share/aboutus/pressreleasesdetail.aspx?sd=4%2F28%2F2016&id=pr945&ed=12%2F31%2F2016

 

What Not To Do At The Office Party

A Story – Part of the Career MuseMat Series.

What Not To Do At The Office Party.

By Shannah Matterson

“Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you” (Proverbs 4:6 NIV)

“You crossed over into 2017 with the high hopes that you were going to start off the year on the right foot. You told yourself that there would be no more ‘Happy Hour Weekends’ with the girls or late night snacks. You prayed, made your positive affirmations and pronouncements and felt that deep abiding stir in your stomach that things were going to be good. You did all of the things you were taught to do back in 2016: you upgraded your profile on Linkedin, you joined your company’s career network on Twitter to keep up to date with the latest job alerts and you enrolled on to that highly sought after organic growth programme at work in order to seal yourself a promotion.

But, at 11.55pm on New Year’s Eve, before you even sang ‘Auld Lang Syne’ with your work buddies you found yourself in the middle of the office party dance floor. It must have been the potent blood-red cocktail that convinced you to showcase some of the most inappropriate, career-killer style dance poses known to mankind. Fast forward, it’s January, and you are back at work. The blurry shadow of the New Years Eve office party hits you when you notice the cold, ‘ooh, you got busted!’ looks, that are plastered across your colleagues faces. Before you even reach your desk, your supervisor taps you gently on the shoulder and ushers you into her office.

“Whats going on?” you ask, your voice slightly waivers, you can feel the tiny beads of perspiration forming on your brow.

“Have you seen the photos?” Your supervisor quickly looks away, you notice now that her cheeks are blushed a light reddish pink.

“What photos?”

“You know, the ones at the New Years Eve Party…”

Your supervisor taps the screen on her iMac and you gaze with horror. There you are, that inebriated figure, under the unflattering sheen of disco lights. Your left leg is wrapped around the shiny bald head of the guy you never talk to from HR, alongside the trending hashtag whatnottodoatofficeparties.

“Who is that girl?”

“It’s you”.

You spend the rest of the afternoon with your head gently tilted, waiting for the short hand on the clock to go on 5 and the long hand to go on 12  before you can clock out and leg it home. You cannot believe it that you were that girl snapped mooning* in front of the director of HR with your backside and your new ‘buy one get one free’ polka dot undies displayed for the world to see. And, you were also the same girl that was doing some strange ‘Juju On That Beat’ dance routine in the presence of your line manager.

Later, after you have cried to your best friend on the phone about your informal warning, about how you’ve messed up your career; you can hear your mother’s voice in your head, ladled with fury. She rebukes the Juju that must have been projected into your drink and blames her catalog of enemies for invoking foolishness into your life. You imagine her slapping her thighs before resting her hands on her head and saying, “What would possess you to dance to any ting wid Juju in its name? Abeg! You have killed your career! Wonders shall never end!”

*Mooning – The act of exposing one’s bare behind

***

What lessons can be learned from the protagonist’s experience at work? What can be done to salvage a career marred by such misdemeanors? I would love to read your comments in the section below.

Also, connect with me on twitter @muse_matterson or via email to share your comments

Please don’t forget to like, follow and share 🙂