Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!

I have found myself shaking my head far too many times this year and there are five things I do not have time for…

1.Keyboard Crusaders

If your past time is still cruising through other people’s social media accounts inciting hate and pulling others down, then you really need to go on an early retirement.  It amazes me how ‘deep’ people can get when you leave them unsupervised with a flickering screen and a comments section. So, since you have been gifted with the itch to write and type, why not use your writing skills to something far more rewarding and productive?

1. Write a free PDF about the gutsy guide to being a keyboard dummy.
2. Produce, edit and upload a video that you think is far better than the content creator’s work that you devoured for a couple of  ‘Likes’ and ‘Retweets’.
3. Go on a glorified imaginative adventure and write a story…just do summink!

Look, I know that we are living in the last days, but there are still people that are out there using their platforms to spread the love of Jesus Christ, inspire others to maximise their potential, enjoy their disposable incomes and turn their post natal booties from 0 to 100 and all you want to do is play ‘Hate, Cuss and Drag’? Puhleese, repentance is free and if that is way too much to ask of you, then kindly Google yourself several Pius seats and a time waster medal whilst you’re at it.

2.Negative Energy

If people have to anoint themselves with olive oil, holy water and pray to God for divine protection before they come around you, maybe it’s time for you to check yourself.  You no longer have a right to own the name Moody Mindy or Haterade Harry. God has deposited enough people into your life that are always available to shower you with His unconditional love. However, you have decided to not actively heed the Word of God or make any effort to change and you have decided that you will be a source of negative energy.

If you happen to be that person that constantly feels like your faith, hope and dreams are constantly being zapped, popped and obliterated by such negative people that you call your friends, maybe it’s time that you lift your hands up and wave them goodbye. I used to be that person that would give negative energy carriers a pass, but now I’ve decided to expel them. Why? I found that I was spending too much time during my morning and evening devotionals with God, lamenting, moaning and complaining about my so called friend’s lack of support and negativity.

Please consider this last point in the nicest possible way: You should always leave your friends feeling inspired, empowered and challenged to be the best person God designed you to be, however, if you always feel like you just made it on to Satan’s ‘I gotcha real good’ list and you feel like a big piece of poo-poo, please think carefully about your friendship.

3.Users

I’m going to keep this one short, nice and sweet. Please do not abuse your friend’s loyalty, patience and kindness by repaying him or her with evil. Yes, I said it. If the reward that you want to grant them for their faithfulness to you during your hard times is to collude with their enemies to plan their downfall and down play their achievements, then you are a user.

4.Bad Customer Service

They are paying you to represent their business, yet it’s a struggle to crack a smile, give eye contact or engage in small talk. I have a couple of tips to bless you with before you embark on another mission of ‘Destroy Another Customers Day‘.

1. Please show up and actively participate in your customer service training session. Companies spend thousands and even millions into training their employees. Your ability to handle objections, complaints and other problems in a professional manner can be achieved by simply showing up and being present.
2. Watch a video that will teach you about the art of small talk, using your listening skills and learning how to use your initiative.
3. Read about the power of your posture, such as your body language and how you can effectively use it to communicate with your customers. Please note that this does not include grunting, kissing your teeth or rolling your eyes.
4. And, finally, whilst you wander off to the back room to take a lil break to gossip about your customers, somebody is on their knees praying for your position and your pay cheque.

5.Bumpalicious Weaves And Roadkill

The weave, braids and wig game has gone to a whole new level! Gone are the days when you could just get a way with glued tracks and suspicious bundles from your local beauty supply store or overly tight hairlines AKA bootleg face lifts. Thanks to social media sites such as YouTube, Instagram, Pinterest and many others, customers will no longer tolerate signing premature death certificates for their hairline. It is no longer acceptable to allow customers to wander the earth with badly braided weaves that look more like a camels hump. Far too many customers have been left disillusioned by stylists that think it is ok NOT to braid their hair FLAT against their scalp but to give them the hump of life.

We will no longer tolerate sacrificing 5 or 6 hours seated on poorly designed chairs that strain our necks when getting our hair braided or watch ratchet programmes whilst our bums go from being circled in a ring of fire to completely and utterly numb!

We did not bribe our kids to behave for just another three, four or five more hours (you said my hair would be done in an hour) with junk food to behave themselves in your salons or your homes to leave several hours later, patting our itchy heads as if we have a problem. And, even worse, our precious coins were not passed over to you to witness the long and lingering death of our self-pride. Yes, I said it.

We are subjected to the slow and shameful death of our self-pride when we fall victim to that lonely strand of hair which I call ‘Roadkill‘ because for some strange reason we never seem to lose that precious braid of hair in the safe confines of our home, but outside on tarmac, concrete or finely shaved grass. Yes, my sisters and brothers, that track of hair, cornrow, Senegalese twist or even an entire ponytail (that our stylists installed incorrectly) left in a shameful position on the pavement, inside the shopping mall or by the ATM kiosk for the world to see.

Thanks for stopping by and please don’t forget to like, follow or share and as always leave a comment! Please share anything you ain’t got time for… keep it sweet and saintly😊

The Aunty Interrogation Squad

If you’re single, newly married or just graduated from University, you may have come across a lovely group of women that I affectionally regard as the ‘Aunty Interrogation Squad’.

They come in all shades, colours, tribes, and backgrounds and always find a way of infiltrating family parties and events.

I’ve met more than my fair share, let’s take a look at four of them.

1. Aunty Marry

Aunty Marry is the thorn in your flesh. Period. She is the reason why you considered renting a man to act as your fiancee for your cousin’s wedding, but then, like the prodigal son you came to your senses and decided to go solo babalolo.

Aunty Marry has a way of sneaking up on you at the least expected moments. You could be hiding in the toilet and as soon as you step out she is standing there, ready to ask you the golden question: “So, when are you getting married?”

Now, please note that she is fully aware that there is no man in your life eligible for husband status. However, it does not stop her from acting like a scratched vinyl record and asking you the same question. There is nothing wrong with being asked once, or maybe even twice, over a little chinwag with family and friends, but when it becomes an all out interrogation about the lack of testosterone in your life, you know that you have an interrogator on your hands!

The Muse Matters Tip: Your Aunt’s impatience is an opportunity for you to exercise patience in your own life. Being confident and self-assured in your singleness can prevent you from entering into casual flings that can cause you to miss out on God’s will for your life. The key here is to outsmart her with your wittiness. So, the next time Aunty pounces on you with the golden question, just kindly tell her to intensify her fire and brimstone prayers as it is clear that she is is not praying hard enough.

2. Aunty Offspring

The ‘Sucker punch of the century award‘ is always jam packed with a long list of contenders, and, Aunty Offspring wins it heads down! She is the Aunty that is more obsessed with your ovaries than you are.

This is the Aunty that always carries a gigantic fertility clock (with your name on it) which she swears is, now-at-zero. She secretly wants to synchronize her phone with your reproductive organs so that she will be the first person to make a public announcement on Facebook that you are finally ‘with child’. When she’s not muttering about your menstruation cycle, she always finds a way to whisper into your ears her favorite idiom ‘Women are like flowers’.

The Muse Matters Tip: Do not be perturbed by her insensitivity and callousness. Use this as an opportunity to engage in a mini bible study with Aunty.

Anchor yourself on to God’s timeframe and remind her about Ecclesiastes 3:2 ‘A time to be born’. Finally, kindly remind her to quickly brush up on her biblical knowledge and read up on Sarah before the rapture comes.

3. Aunty Rival

You have just moved out of that grotty ground floor bedsit with the window that faces a brick wall, and moved into a two bedroom flat with central heating that actually works.

However, in spite of this mahoosive miracle that God has given you, Aunty Rival is the first to remind you of Aunty ‘so and so’s’, youngest daughter who has just bought herself a three bedroom house. And, let’s not forget, her new swanky SW3 postcode which is way out of your price bracket.

The Muse Matters Tip: Instead of shuffling back to your new flat and feeling like a wet muppet, remain focused on the blessing that God has just given you.

Learn how to celebrate your milestones even when others mock them.

Take comfort in the Apostle Pauls’ wise words ‘For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise’ (2 Corinthians 10:12, NKJV).

4.Aunty Degree

It’s been a couple of months since you graduated and joined the ‘we all have degrees’ club in your family. Now, you can finally boast that you have Bsc after your name but the three years of blood, sweat and campus tears are not enough for Aunty Degree.

Nah mate! The only degrees worthy of celebration are Medicine, Law, and Accountancy. She doesn’t have to vocalize her disappointment whenever you utter that you are a ‘Dance Psychologist’. No, all she has to do is curl her bottom lip and screw her nose as if you have just farted or burped in her face.

The Muse Matters Tip:  Please do not start to question the validity of your degree or even worse, downplay your achievements. The purpose God has for you supersedes the approval and affirmation of your aunt. Getting a traditional degree is great, but if your passion lies elsewhere don’t succumb to the clutches of conformity.

Remember, conformity stifles creativity, so, loose yourself from the yoke of her acceptance and walk in your divine purpose. Kindly remind her that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and God’s plans for you are to give you a future, a hope and an expected end (Jeremiah 2:11).

Do you have any other tips to share about dealing with the ‘interrogation squad’? Please don’t forget to comment, like, share and follow! 🙂

6 tips to conquer the body-shamers

Focus on your attributes 

It is so easy to fall into a slump whenever you fall victim to the acidic tongue or on-line comments of the ‘body-shamers’, but it is so important that you learn how to focus on your attributes and not your so-called flaws. If you do not know who you are, you give another person the authority to define you. You are more than your facial features, weight or height. The bible says that beauty fades and charm is deceptive but a woman that fears the Lord is worthy to be praised (Proverbs 31:30). Apart from focusing solely on your appearance, what are you good at? What brings you immense joy? What can you do so effortlessly without much struggle? When you are able to identify your key attributes, strengths and skills you will grow in self-confidence. Now I can hear someone shout at the screen saying ‘Well I’m not so beautiful, I’m not the yardstick of beauty…’ for a start, God, the master artisan  designed you! You are His very own masterpiece and designer original.  You are far too precious to be confined by worldly standards of beauty.

Speak truth into your life 

The bible says that life and death is in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). People that body shame understand how to use this weapon to full effect. They know how to turn a day from one hundred to zero in lightning speed! Ask yourself a question, what are you confessing about yourself? Are you repeating the negativity that you have heard about yourself? Well stop. Do this simple task: Stand in front of a mirror and speak words of life to yourself. Use your bible concordance as a guide to quote scriptures that highlight who you are as a child of God.

Sometimes we wait for others to compliment, praise or celebrate us. Let your ears hear how great you are, how blessed and anointed you are, how valuable you are to your friends, family, colleagues  and community. Whenever I feel like dignifying foolish thoughts with a pity party I remember and speak aloud some of my favourite scriptures and quotes such as Psalm 139:14: ‘ I am fearfully and wonderfully made’

Analyse the Shamer

People that engage in body shaming waste their analytical skills by zoning in on what they deem a problem with your physique. What you need to understand is that behind the mocking smirks, the criticisms or whatever instrument they choose to use to belittle your existence there lies a person with deeply rooted insecurities. As they are pointing at you with the finger of judgement, three fingers are pointing back at them.

They gain pleasure out of promoting other peoples pain. They thrive off putting others down in order to elevate themselves. But what they have failed to understand is that their self acclaimed elevation is as fake as a set of veneers!

Before you start second guessing yourself or crawl into a ball of woes, think twice about the person sending the arrow.  Do you really think that an emotionally mature person would stoop so low as to engage in body shaming?

Pray

In Matthew 11: 28, our heavenly father extends his hands of love towards you. He wants to peel away the masks of mockery, shame and rejection that you have been wearing for far too long. The weights of worry, self-hatred and anxiety have weighed you down. Why not kneel down at his feet, give him the weights to carry and enter into his rest? Nothing can compare to the comfort of God’s love when we cast all of our pain, fears or anxieties at his feet in prayer. Even when we are alone or feel too insecure to confide in friends or family about our problems we can always be rest assured that our loving father is always there to listen to us.

Check your company

How many times has your social media feed been hijacked with the over zealously used hashtag ‘squad goals’? As cheesy as it may sound, having a strong circle of friends or family may be of great help to overcoming the negative effects of  body shaming.

The bible reminds us that two is better than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) and the encouraging words of a loved one can do so much to steer us away from dwelling on negativity. If you do not have any friends you may benefit from joining an online support group, a fellowship group at your local church or subscribe to a social media vlogger that you know regularly uploads uplifting and encouraging messages. Keep yourself connected to those that will celebrate you, reaffirm your attributes and give you honest and sincere advice and support.

Arise and shine

Body-shamers hate it when their victims realise their worth and value because it undermines their criticisms and silences their hatred. Every time you decide to lift your head up and celebrate your uniqueness, you consume their darkness with your brightness.  For too long you have been like a vinyl record with a deep scratch in the groove, stuck on their hurtful words. Get back into a smooth continuous rhythm by making the decision to arise, walk away from the negativity and shine where you are.

PERSONAL RECAP

•  Focus on your  attributes 
• Speak truth into your life
• Analyse the shamer
• Pray
• Check your company
• Arise and shine

Do you have any other tips to share? I look forward to reading your comments.